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Every year or so, it happens again.

I have what I can only describe as my annual autistic breakdown.

It follows a very predictable pattern. Ironically, for someone who finds comfort in predictability, I still struggle to stop it from happening.

Whenever I get a job, I throw myself into it completely. I work every hour I possibly can. I give it everything — my energy, my focus, my heart. I work late, take on extra tasks, and push myself to always do more.

And eventually… I burn out.

My mood drops. Getting out of bed becomes difficult. The housework piles up. Even small tasks feel overwhelming.

And the worst part?

I hate myself when I get like that.

Because in my mind, it feels like laziness. It feels like failure. I need to feel productive. I need to feel like I am contributing and doing something meaningful with my time.

But the truth is a little more complicated than that.

Work Is My Safe Place

When I’m working, I feel safe.

Work is predictable.
Work has rules.
Work has structure.

I know what is expected of me. I know how to do my job well. There are clear tasks and clear outcomes.

For an autistic brain that constantly tries to analyse and process everything around it, that kind of structure is incredibly comforting.

While I’m working, my brain finally gets a break from something that exhausts me far more than the work itself.

Overthinking…

The Constant Noise in My Head

When I’m not busy, my brain fills the silence with questions.

Did I upset someone at the weekend by the way I said something?

Did I embarrass myself by getting too excited at my son’s parents’ night while talking to a teacher?

Did I say something that sounded stupid at that networking event?

Did someone misunderstand me?

Did I come across the wrong way?

These thoughts don’t just pass through my mind. They replay over and over again, like a film stuck on repeat.

Every facial expression.
Every tone of voice.
Every word I said.

Analysed. Re-analysed. Picked apart.

For many autistic people, social interactions don’t just end when the conversation ends. They continue for hours, days, sometimes even years inside our minds.

Why I Fill Every Hour With Work

So I do something that makes sense to my brain.

I stay busy.

If every hour of the day is filled with work, tasks, and responsibilities, then my brain doesn’t have the space to spiral into overthinking.

Work becomes a shield.

A distraction.

A way to silence the constant mental replay of social interactions.

But that coping strategy comes with a cost.

The Crash That Always Comes

Because eventually, my brain and body run out of energy.

No one can operate at full capacity forever.

Especially autistic people who are already using huge amounts of mental energy to navigate a world that isn’t designed for the way our brains work.

So the crash comes.

And when it does, it feels like everything stops at once.

Motivation disappears.
Energy disappears.
Even simple tasks feel impossible.

And then the guilt begins.

Because from the outside, it can look like I’ve suddenly become lazy.

But what’s actually happening is autistic burnout.

Learning to Be Kinder to Myself

I’m still learning how to manage this cycle.

I’m learning that productivity does not equal worth.

I’m learning that rest is not laziness.

And most importantly, I’m learning that my brain isn’t broken — it’s just wired differently.

The truth is, many autistic people push themselves beyond their limits simply to keep up with a world that moves too fast and demands constant social navigation.

Sometimes the breakdown isn’t a failure.

Sometimes it’s the body and mind saying:

“You’ve done enough. You need to rest now.”

And maybe the real challenge for me isn’t learning how to work harder.

Maybe it’s learning how to stop before the burnout arrives.