It’s been nearly six weeks since I last wrote on here. Sorry about that…
Usually I’m banging on about my two amazing boys, but today I’m going to talk about me. I’ve been open about the fact that I’m autistic too, and I’m also a single parent to two autistic boys. I’m so busy looking after everyone else that I can forget to look after myself. Yes, even though I’ve written whole posts about how important self-care is. Do as I say, not as I do!
The truth is, I haven’t been doing great. For the past six weeks I’ve been in the worst burnout I have ever experienced.
I’ve been sleeping more than I have in my entire life. And if it wasn’t for my boys, I honestly don’t know if I would have got up some mornings. I stopped engaging with people. My self-care routines went straight out the window. I wasn’t eating properly, and I mean a sandwich here and there and that was about it. Even the most basic jobs, the ones I do without thinking, like replying to emails or making a phone call, felt impossible. Every single day I felt like I was on the brink of a meltdown, and that carried on for six whole weeks.
Burnout doesn’t only happen to people who don’t know what it is.
I know exactly what autistic burnout is. I know what it looks like, and I know the warning signs. And it still crept up on me and flattened me. Years of masking, sensory overload, pushing through when I was already running on empty, and holding everything together for everyone else. It all adds up, and eventually the bill arrives.
The hardest question for me is this: when I burn out, who looks after me?
Unfortunately, that’s the problem. I don’t have anyone who looks after me. So when I fall, it takes me a very long time to get back up again. I don’t have someone to say “sit down, I’ve got this,” or to put a hot meal in front of me. The boys still need feeding and getting to school, and life just keeps on going whether I’ve got anything left in the tank or not.
So I keep coming back to this thought. If someone who understands burnout can end up like this, what is it like for the people who have no idea what’s happening to them? The ones who think they’re just lazy, or failing, or “not coping” like everyone else seems to be. I spent years believing something was wrong with me, so I know how that feels. And if you’re a parent of an autistic child, or you’re autistic yourself, or both, you are carrying a lot.
If you’re reading this and you recognise yourself in any of it, please hear me: it’s not weakness, and you’re not failing. Your body and brain are telling you they need a break. It’s worth listening, even when it feels like you don’t have time.
I’m still working on getting back to myself, one small step at a time. I’ll tell you more about what’s helping in another post.
If you’ve been through autistic burnout, I’d love to hear from you. Let’s make sure nobody has to feel like they’re going through it alone.